Life moves fast. Get there faster with Life Shortening.

Life shortening was specially formulated in a top-secret military lab by our world-class scientists.

Driven by the constant overwhelm of a competitive bureaucracy and the looming need to accept their own mortality, our "Brain Boys" tend to make some pretty great stuff.

73% of publicly polled respondents indicate that they are unhappy with their life. Life Shortening's specially-formulated triglyceride food lubricant is your beige-colored bullet against life's blues. Life Shortening makes life worries glide right by, guaranteed!